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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

heartbreak hotel

Remember in my last blog post when I said that I was going to try and write regularly.....? Oh, you don't? Okay, good. Neither do I. I swear my ADD meds put me on some sort of superhero kick where I think I'm capable of things I'm clearly not. On the plus side, it got me to the gym today. I'm writing this post today because I have arthritis, which makes it killer on the joints in my hand if I physically write out my thoughts on paper. And since I don't want to hurt my joints by writing in a "journal" or "diary", I'm writing this blog post. I'm sure I'm going to regret posting this on my very public blog, but since I don't really think that many people read my blog besides my family (hi, mom), I'm doing it anyways.

This weekend I experienced my first heart break. Don't get confused by the past tense I just used. Just because I experienced it on Saturday night, doesn't mean I'm still not experiencing it right now. In fact, today is the first day since then that I haven't burst out in uncontrollable hysterics. So props to me. Embarrassingly enough, I got my heart broken by a boy that I wasn't even dating. I'll let that sink in.... he wasn't even my boyfriend. So I got my heart broken before I've even had my first boyfriend. What are the odds? Don't get me wrong, I don't think that the fact that we weren't dating makes the fact that it's over any easier. We weren't dating, but we weren't nothing. We were "exclusive". If you're confused, don't worry, so is my mom. In today's age there are various levels of relationship. There's random hookups, hooking up, being a 'thing', being together, being exclusive, dating and being "wifed up".

Exclusive is sort of like dating because you aren't hooking up with other people, but its not serious enough that you're actually 'significant others'. I don't know. I wish I could explain it better, but I really can't. I sort of slapped the title on me and this boy pretty quickly, of course I consulted with him first (I'm not a nutso), but I'm not the type of person who can just casually "hookup" with someone if I have feelings for them. I was basically trying to protect myself from getting hurt (which ended up backfiring anyways), but if we weren't hooking up with other people I felt more secure in whatever we were/what we could possibly be in the future.

Heres' the story: I had a crush on him, asked him to my date party and pretty soon we were texting 24/7. I thought things were going great. We continued to text over Thanksgiving break, I went to his date party when we got back to school (which is when we became exclusive), and I really thought things were going well. Why would I not? We got along great and had fun when we hung out. And we hung out sober. This is pretty big as far as college standards go. If you can hang out without the powerful confidence booster shitty frat alcohol provides, then you've got something good going.

Fast forward to winter break. We texted everyday. I was actually excited to go back to school to see him. I've never really fallen for anyone before and I wouldn't necessarily say that I "fell" for him because whatever we were, our exclusiveness or whatnot, was still relatively new, but I definitely had passed the "just a crush" phase and had entered into "actual real adult feelings" stage. We got back to school and hung out the first two days we were home and then on the third day BAM. He came over and said he wasn't ready for a relationship, or being exclusive, we had moved too fast and he just didn't have the time to give me the attention I wanted and deserved. I was in such shock that I vaguely remember what I said in response, but I know I played it super cool, calm and collected. I understood. I wasn't mad. I was glad he told me and was honest. Don't worry about a thing, I'll be fine. And then he left. And then I realized what had happened and I bawled like a baby.

I just couldn't wrap my mind around it. We texted back and forth that night because I just didn't get how he could end it. What went wrong? Did he really just not have the time? What the flying fuck did that not mean that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship or "exclusive? I was blindsided, hurt, sad and confused. I cried all Saturday night and Sunday. I would finally stop crying about it, then remember how he had told me once we got back from break that he had missed me and I started weeping all over again. I was a mess.

I truly wish I could hate him. I wish I could call him every mean name in the book and go egg his house. I wish I could hate him so that I would be angry instead of sad. But I don't hate him. I really really don't. I really really fucking wish I could hate his guts, but I have no reason to. Even after he ended it and my friends all rallied around me and said the appropriate, "He's a fucking dickhead asshole motherfucker", I disagreed. Because he really is a good guy. Not only did he end things in person, which takes balls for the shy guy that he is, but he was honest with me and did what he needed to do for him. That doesn't make the situation any less shitty or make me feel any better whatsoever, but that says something about his character.

I liked him and wanted a relationship. I made no effort to hide that. If you know me, I'm an open book and a vocal person. I don't get how he wasn't "ready to be exclusive" when we already were, but I was ready to make it official and he wasn't. He said he didn't want to "fool me into thinking that" or "lead me on" (which newsflash you fucking idiot, you completely did), but I don't want to force someone into something they aren't ready for. I really don't understand what it means that he's not be ready for a relationship, but I don't think I ever will. When I was texting him Saturday trying to figure out what was going on in his head, he said he hated hurting me because he really likes me. How can you like someone, but not want to be with them? That makes zero sense. If you like them, you find a way to be with them. That made the whole "break up" (even though we weren't dating) even worse because how can I get over someone when I still like them, and I know they still like me, and I don't understand why they're ending it because from my perspective things were going great.

I'm not making excuses for him at all. No excuses, whatsoever. I know he has a really hard schedule this semester, because he's pre-med, and that he really wasn't going to have the time to spend with me that I wanted, but that seems like such a bullshit excuse. And when did he suddenly decide he wasn't going to have the time? He ended things Saturday night and I was with him Saturday morning.... In that 12 hour period he had suddenly had an epiphany that he wasn't going to have any time to hang out and he'd feel guilty about that? You've known your second semester schedule since October! You knew you were going to be busy. Why wait until 3 days into the new semester to end it?! Why keep texting me over winter break and leading me on?! Plus, we were already exclusive so were you not ready for it then? Sorry... I know I'm getting worked up. I know he did what he needed to do, that there will be other boys, blah, blah, blah. I get that. I really really do. It just fucking sucks to get hurt.

I didn't really have a point for writing this blog post. I wasn't expecting to finish writing it and suddenly realize I'm a strong, beautiful independent woman. I didn't expect to meet some hottie at the coffee shop I'm writing this post at and have our love story be that we met while I was trying to get over my ex (not really an ex, since we didn't date, but whatever). I've just been having a lot of emotions and needed to sort them all out by writing them down. If you've made it to the end of this post.... thank you for reading. And if you know any nice Jewish boys who have extra time in their schedules to hang out & are ready for a relationship then hit me up :)